


Looking For Yourself Out There

by Amberly



Series: Just Like Heaven [21]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Guilt, M/M, PTSD, Self-Recrimination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:02:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28713990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amberly/pseuds/Amberly
Summary: The story teases out of Duo in bits and pieces. He scatters it into conversation over coffee, sprinkles it like salt over dinner. Talks around it in the living room. It’s not that he doesn’t want to tell Wufei, it’s that he doesn’t know if Wufei wants to know. Doesn’t want to push against a spot that might still be sore, bruised like a peach. Still wants to make sure Wufei knows that Duo is willing to talk about it, will tell Wufei everything and anything he wants. When it occurs to him to ask he dismisses it, afraid of added stress and potential conflict, wanting just to bask in the newness of marriage. Of a forever he never thought he’d get to have.
Relationships: Chang Wufei/Duo Maxwell
Series: Just Like Heaven [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/405643
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	Looking For Yourself Out There

**Author's Note:**

> In which Duo and Wufei talk a little about Duo Being Gone without re-hashing the sections that talk about it. 
> 
> I’ve been Uh. Going through it. So it took a little longer to write this then I thought it would. If you’re also going through it, have some sort of fluff.

The story teases out of Duo in bits and pieces. He scatters it into conversation over coffee, sprinkles it like salt over dinner. Talks around it in the living room. It’s not that he doesn’t want to tell Wufei, it’s that he doesn’t know if Wufei wants to know. Doesn’t want to push against a spot that might still be sore, bruised like a peach. Still wants to make sure Wufei knows that Duo is willing to talk about it, will tell Wufei everything and anything he wants. When it occurs to him to ask he dismisses it, afraid of added stress and potential conflict, wanting just to bask in the newness of marriage. Of a forever he never thought he’d get to have.  
  
“You could just tell me,” Wufei points out, sprawled out next to him. They’re outside, soaking up the sun together. It’s almost summer, one of the last mellow days, and Duo had insisted. Had taken out a blanket and poured a pitcher of pink lemonade and champagne and practically dragged Wufei out the door. They’re tipsy now. It’s the champagne, and the sunlight, and the sense of familiarity that comes from being together after having been parted for so long. Duo pauses with the glass halfway to his lips. Takes a sip and then sets it down. He squints for a moment at the ice cubes. The way they shift against each other, making and taking space as needed.   
  
“I could,” Duo admits. Shoots him a sideways look. “What do you want to know?”   
  
Wufei’s answer takes a moment. He picks up his own glass. He takes his own sip, savoring the flavor on his tongue. The tart-sweet of it. Tips his head to the side as he looks Duo over, then shrugs. “All of it. What happened while you were gone? Why did you lose contact?”   
  
Duo inhales slowly. Holds it for a moment. Rolls onto his back, crossing his arms under his head and gazing up at the clear blue of the sky. There’s a thousand places to start. The beginning. The before the beginning. The end of the beginning. He sifts through the pieces of memories, lifts each up to the sun for inspection. His husband is silent next to him. He’s rolled onto his back, mirroring his pose and Duo lets the heavy weight of expectation roll off his shoulders. It’s Wufei. _His_ Wufei, who knows him, speaks his language, and Duo feels the certainty of his presence weigh him down. Ground him.   
  
“I went to Mars first,” he starts at last. Wufei’s answering hum is felt more than heard. “I don’t know what I thought I’d find either. I think at first I was looking for a clue. Something I could point to as a sign that he was crazy, that I could bring back an wave in Une’s face. I needed to find someone to blame, so I could stop blaming myself.”   
  
“You know it doesn’t work that way.” It’s matter of fact. Calm and without judgement the way Wufei always is in these moments, when Duo can part skin and sinew and bare his bones to the man he loves. 

“Sure,” he agrees. “But I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly. It was so heavy, Wu. So heavy. I didn’t know how to put it down. There was so much fear and so much--all of it. I think I was running from myself as much as I was anything else. I deserved the punishment, you know? The exile.” Duo doesn’t have to turn his head to see Wufei’s face. There are some things no amount of time apart can erase, and Duo has every facial expression Wufei’s ever made catalogued and filed away. How many times has he pulled them out? Turned them over in pretend conversations used to comfort himself when the real thing was out of reach? When Wufei shifts closer to him, Duo doesn’t move. Doesn’t flinch--he wants the contact as badly as Wufei does, even if he can’t reach for it in this moment. It’s too raw already--he’s split right down the middle, and while he doesn’t mind if Wufei wants to look, wants Wufei to want to look, he can’t let himself know that Wufei is looking, and _God,_ Duo thinks, _I need therapy._   
  
“What did you find on Mars?”   
  
“Nothing. Noin and I crossed in airspace. There wasn’t anyone else on Mars who knew Zechs. Not who could talk about him.” The whole trip had been for nothing. Noin had packed everything when she’d moved, taking Zechs’ few belongings with her. Wufei swallows. Nudges Duo’s knee with his own. It’s a question, one Duo doesn’t want to answer. It’s not a hard answer. Not something he has to think about. It is something he doesn’t want to admit. It’s too sharp, jagged at the edges, and he knows that sometimes the words in his mouth are weapons even when he doesn’t want them to be. He is riddled with shrapnel and Wufei, he thinks, doesn’t deserve any of that. Wufei deserves the truth, too, and Duo takes a deep breath. 

“I didn’t want to come home.”   
  
“We forgave you, you know.” 

“It wasn’t about that.” Duo sits up. Leans back on his hands and looks down at Wufei. For a moment he’s caught up in it. The intensity in his husband’s gaze, the heavy weight of it as it settles on him. He loves it. There isn’t much about Wufei he doesn’t love, and he’s biased and he knows it, but this. Duo felt the absence of that gaze like a wound, had bled steadily for a year without it, and he swallows against the wave of longing and looks away. He’s here now. They’re here, and together, and Wufei is waiting for him to speak--to finish his story. 

“I couldn’t forgive myself, and I--I think part of me hated all of you. That you could just...keep going. Like nothing had happened.” He puts his hand up as soon as Wufei opens his mouth. Continues fast, without letting him speak. “I know it wasn’t easy for you guys. I do. It was hard to get out of my head, then. It was still too fresh, and I wasn’t interested in anything that didn’t feed the ‘poor Duo’ narrative.”   
  
“You had reason to be upset.”   
  
“I did,” he agrees. “But I couldn’t let the rest of you be upset, too. It was mine--I wanted to carry it alone.” This look is pursed lips and one arched eyebrow. If they were standing, Wufei would have one hip cocked toward him. His hands would be at his sides, fisted, or crossed over his chest. Duo almost wishes he could see it. That they were standing up, that Wufei could scold him properly, the way he can see he wants to. He takes what he can get, though. Soaks up the indignant way Wufei raises himself up on his hands, the flash of anger in his eyes. It’s not anger _at_ Duo, it’s anger _for_ Duo, and he the difference--the difference means everything. 

“This isn’t what most people mean when they say they have problems sharing, you know.” It makes him laugh. It’s meant to, the thread of sarcasm affection-tinged in a way that is all Wufei. Distinctly Wufei, and Duo leans over, kissing him firmly on the cheek. He smiles at him. Rests his head against his temple and lets out a slow, shaky breath. Wufei lets him. Shifts his hand so it covers Duo’s, and they sit there, shoulder to shoulder, soaking up the together.   
  
After that, it’s easier. He talks about hearing rumors on Mars--following them to L2. Wufei knows that part--he’d told him when he’d left. Understood the loyalty Duo felt to the struggling colony he’d fought a war for. It’s colorful, more storytelling than confession as Duo describes the way he’d tracked gangs, monitored the ones in charge. The careful shifts and plays for power. His husband listens with minimal comments and an expressive face, hanging on every word as Duo tells him, finally, how he’d been caught. There’s a snort, a roll of his eyes, and the last little bits of him that were still homesick settle. Whatever tension remained knotted under his breastbone easese, and he sighs.

“Anyway. Trowa got me out, and pointed out that I maybe had some making up to do. I planned the wedding on the flight home.” 

“I suppose I’ll have to thank him.” 

“Nah,” Duo grins and winks. “He put it on my tab. We’re good.” Wufei laughs. Lights up the sunset with the sound of it, Duo’s grin widening. He watches captivated, wants to bottle the moment forever. To store it away so he can bring it out, later, when he’s alone and full of doubts. He wets his lips and tips his head back. Counts the few early stars already in the sky. “Anyway. It took me a while, but I did finally realize I had my head all the way up my ass.” 

“A very long while,” Wufei agrees. Duo shoots him a look. If the shrug he gets in return warms him, the quirk of Wufei’s lips sends a wave of heat through his body. Makes his toes curl. He nudges Wufei with his shoulder. Offers him a smile that is not a grin, just a smile. Small and genuine as it curves over his lips, Duo showing up as himself, finally. He takes Wufei’s hand in his own. Kisses the back of it and holds it tightly.  
  
“I missed you.” His voice is quiet, loud enough for only the two of them. “I missed you a lot. Eventually--it made me realize I didn’t want to be away from you anymore. Even if it meant coming back to anger, or blame.” 

Wufei’s gaze is steady as he looks at him. He’s holding Duo’s hand just as tight, clinging like a lifeline, and Duo doesn’t want him to let go, ever. Not for a moment. There are soft lips against his. A forehead pressed against his own. Wufei’s breath against his cheek. This is more serious than the conversation. More important than any explanations Duo can give, Wufei’s hair silk over his fingers. This is forgiveness, understanding in the shape of hands on his skin, a mouth against his own, and Duo surrenders to it with abandon. Loses himself in the balm his husband offers, absolution for the sins Duo still can’t forgive himself for. Prays that it will somehow be enough. 


End file.
